Music

Yes yes, we are ALL familiar with this what seems to be just a title. To many of us, actually, ALMOST ALL of us, music is a necessity in life. Whether it may be rock, pop, dance, hip-hop, rap, techno, or even something as shitty as jazz, people MUST listen to it, have preferred artists and bands, preferred musical instruments and preferred genres. I, particularly, like rock, to be more precise, Alternative Rock. And to me, music is just like food, breathing, a necessity in life. If I dont listen to music for more than a day, well, crankyness takes over, and shit you dont wana know.
Many people though, only listen to music to just enjoy the music itself rather than listening to its lyrics. I dont particularly appreciate that, because music isn’t just about its beat, rhythm or its flow, ofcourse, without that its nothing, but music is also about its message and what its about. Without good lyrics, no matter how good the beat would be, the song would be quite shitty. So I believe that, a song with a proper message, and people who listen to music for its beat should try concentrating on its lyrics too. Sometimes, it may change your life, your views, or it may open your mind to something. Music has done that for me, and for many people I know, and have known.

A Blessing In Disguise?

You know that feeling you get when you’ve planned to do something with your friends, whether it may be watching a movie, hanging out, going to each other’s house, or whatever it may be, it would be a plan with friends, and your PARENTS ruin it by not allowing you in the last minute, or by making some family plan and forcing you to go instead? Yeah yeah, THAT feeling, I know what you’re thinking. THAT feeling right there, its a mixture of well, anger, annoyance and irritation. Something similar happened with me, not to long ago.
I was supposed to be at a football match with my friends, and following the match, we would go to a cafe to hang out. We’d planned this for quite a while now, and I was looking forward to it. When the day finally came, well, you can guess now cant you? I was forced to go to this lame-ass park with family instead. Now dont get me wrong, I wouldn’t mind if cousins my age were coming, but NOOOO. You know who came? My old aunts and uncles, the REALLY old ones, and then cousins who were not more than eight or nine years old. Now bear in mind, I’m almost seventeen, what on earth would I DO? I got really annoyed, complained a lot, but I was STILL forced to go, I still dont understand why I had to.
Anyway, I became really negative about everything during the trip, I kept saying, oh this sucks, oh that sucks. Obviously, because I was so angry. I was SUPPOSED to be out with my friends. When we finally got to the stupid park, I realized it was quite rushed and full. GREAT. I would LOVE a park full of random people and annoying kids around me. But, I didn’t see how beautiful the park itself was, and how huge it was, I could go on exploring myself, with my headphones on, to escape from the world. So I went for a walk, the weather was nice too, so my bad mood wore off, and I started to notice spots on the park where I could lie down and relax, after so much fatigue due to stupid school. I found a high point, sort of a hill, where I lied down on soft grass, and gazed at the sky thinking about stuff, relaxed. The smell of the trees, flowers, and basically the fresh air made me want to close my eyes, and smile. Surprisingly, I had a good time… I didnt know I would, I actually counted on having a really bad time, but I didnt. I actually enjoyed relaxing in the outdoors in nature.
So, the catch is, never be SO negative about something I guess, you never know, there may be a blessing in disguise, waiting for you.

Miss you... So very much.

You know, you hear many people say the phrase, "If only I could go back in time...(I would change this, do this, etc)". Well, to be honest, I wish it would be so very possible. No one can possibly imagine the amount of regret I have felt because of what I did, and unintentionally. If only I COULD go back, I'd slap some sense into the old me. And so what if this was... 2? Yeah, 2 years ago. SO WHAT. I broke a heart. A very precious, delicate heart which was not meant to be broken. And now that I know of the POSSIBILITIES, the "what if's", i feel much much worse... I feel so bad, so embarrassed, so regretful, probably enough to hide my face for eternity.
All I can do now is drown myself in nostalgia, in memories of the good times while listening to "Time Wont Let Me Go" by "The Bravery".

So, heres how it goes...

After I broke up with my ex, it was really hard for me to get over her. One of my best friends helped me out, lets call her Crappy.Well, I end up getting over my ex. During the passage of time, Crappy started to develop feelings for me. To be honest, I didnt believe that was possible, firstly cuz she was my best friend, secondly cuz I was JUST dumped by my fucking ex. And to be honest, I didnt see how amazing, how perfect Crappy was for me. I totally ignored it, or I sub-consciously did because I never imagined us being together, y;know? It was always a friends thing. Well, anyway, Crappy started liking me more, and I thought her "Crush" was sort of, wearing away? I mean isnt that typical of most girls? But being the dumbass retard I am, I didnt notice that I WAS her first. And your first is always the hardest. So anyway, one day, I wanted her to help me out with some girl, and she sort of... burst out. Ms Crappy here said that she liked me, and how could I ask her to help me with someone else like that? And she was right. 99% right. Im taking away that one percent because she didnt know that I was unaware of the fact that she liked, or maybe loved me. Anyway,  eventually, I apologized, and we sort of remained friends. NOW THAT IS WHAT I REGRET. We shouldnt have... I shouldve made her mine when I had the chance, because I didnt realize that she was so perfect. Anyway, some other guy came along, now for us guys, you only realize how fucking awesome a girl is when you see her with some other guy. And no, not cuz of jealousy, its just a fact. Anyway, I soon started to realize that I missed out on what might have been the greatest opportunity of my life. And on top of that, that guy who got with her at that time was a fucking player. Which made it worse... She deserved so much better.

Months passed, I saw how they developed. The player, became innocent. He become devoted, loyal and committed. But he really hated me for some reason. Lets call him Douche. Now, Douche here had tried to pick loads of beefs with me. But hey, I didnt want any bullshit. All I wanted is to be Crappy's friend, but Douche here, being the jerk he is, hated it. He kept on trying, and tried his best to ruin our friendship. What I heard from a reliable source once(Douche's friend) that he wanted to dump Crappy. But HE WOULDNT do it simply because he was afraid she would be with me. Like wtf? Anyway...


Eventually, he succeeded. She started to hate me I think...

Today, I am practically non-existent in her life. I miss her, so, so very much...

But you know what? YOU KNOW WHAT? I dont give a fuck anymore. I dont. Who the fuck has that sort of a friend who'd leave another friend for a guy? Psh. No one. Fuck them both. They can go and jump off a cliff for all I care. Crappy isnt who she used to be... Now shes an insensitive bitch. Not the person I knew. I dont give a flying fuck.

My best friend's girl?

You know, a guy always has that best friend of his who's SO well off, considering EVERYTHING. From money to girls, he's got it all. Yeah, no one's perfect, hes got his downs too, but then he's got many more ups than them. And you know, actually not just you, but everyone knows that you yourself can have just equally as good as he does, maybe better. And this isn't jealousy speaking, its depression. Its looking at him, and being like, "Wow, he's so lucky for what he has." And obviously, because he's your best friend, you'd feel good that he's getting it all. But then no one's that generous. At a point you'd think, Hey, where's my part of the take? (thats ofcourse, IF you dont have your part of the take.)
And the worst thing is, he's got this perfect girl, who has been with him for like 3 years. Maybe less. But whatever, it doesn't matter. And then, that girls YOUR really good friend. And then, you see how good a girl she is for a guy, how perfect, to be more honest. And then your best friend fucking messes up so much with her. But then every time he does, the girl gets pissed, they have a fight for a week, then they get over it, and they're together again. Now if this would happen with yourself, you and the girl would NEVER last. Trust me. She'd break up with you. But your certain best friend will ALWAYS be well off. If you're that best friend im talking about, then call your close friend who's single, and has been for all of his miserable life to read this too. He'll know what im talking about.
I mean, what makes anyone think that you don't deserve just as much? In my whole admittedly short life, I always have had that best friend who had it all perfect, but I didn't. I'd get chances, small ones but then they wouldn't last. And on many occasions I've thought, was it my fault every time? But no, it wasn't. You'd realize that after evaluating every lost chance you had, 98% of those chances that you lost weren't your fault, they happened because the other person didn't think it could work out, or whatever. They'd simply leave you. Then you'd think, am I not good enough? Am I ugly? Rude? Not nice? Mean? Stupid? NO. Everyone's good enough. We're ALL good enough. The world is just too blind and hollow to recognize and realize that.
What makes it worse is that you actually LIKED or crushed on your best friends girl too, but at that time, nothing could possibly happen due to certain reasons. And, you guys could never make it. And then now, years later, when they're together, and have their fights etc, she tells you that if it wasn't for him, you both would've been together (in annoyance ofc). Now doesn't that feel superb? Basically, its not anyone's fault. Its just unfair and upsetting...
Let me share an incident with you, a very personal incident. Back when I myself was around 14, my best friend had this gorgeous, nice, extremely pretty girlfriend. I dont know what she saw in my friend, because he'd always upset her. And i would end up cheering her. Eventually, I REALLY started to like her. We talked more, but then it was a little awkward, since she was my good friend's girl. Now one fine day, he tells me that hes moving to another country, and he wants ME to tell her. Now I didn't know how I was supposed to do that, I was FOURTEEN. But anyway, I did. She was really sad, and I WAS the one who ended up cheering her up, not that I didn't want to, but her 'love' wouldn't do so. Anyway, they said their goodbye, and he moved. I was really sad, me and him were pretty tight. But then, a few weeks later, I could tell SHE started liking me. I still liked her. Few days later, we went out. We were together then. Now bear in mind that her and my friend were together for 8 months, i think. It was only a MONTH into our relationship and she broke me off. I hadn't even made her sad once. She was sad with him all the time, upset a lot because he didn't treat her right. She was NEVER like that with me, but still. Knocked me out of her life. And it hurts even more, because it was on VERY lame pretext. I always kept her happy, or tried my fullest to do so. And I did manage it, because she had a smile on her face so much, it almost put a tear to my eye.
Anyway, im not saying that it pisses you off, or makes you annoyed or jealous or angry or irritated and whatnot. It just makes you feel... left out? No no. It makes you wonder, makes you think negatively of YOURSELF, which is very wrong and sad. It makes you feel like life isn't fair. And yes, it isn't. No matter what you say or do, life will STILL be unfair, and as I rant on this post, nothing will change. Nothing.

I... can never ever be the same.

You know, sometimes you have that ONE experience that changes you forever. No matter how big or small of an experience it may be, sometimes, it can completely change you. It can be anything... Something someone said to you (HAS to be very effective and meaningful for you), an event, maybe something life risking, a girl...
"Im caught inside the memories, our promises, our yesterdays, and I belong to you
I can never be the same, not after loving you"
Maybe love, but yeah. My point is, sometimes experiences can change you into who you are now. Happens way too often...

Weird ass feeling.

Argh. Ive had this feeling for ages now. Its so goddamn weird. Its like, I WANT TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP. But then, I dont. I dont because its so... time consuming, but then again. Its worth it if the persons alright. But the fact that you dont know for sure is a little disturbing. It makes you hesitant. Its also hectic to be so... committed to one person the whole time, isnt it? I mean, most people want all the attention to themselves. People dont want their partner being with anyone else more than themselves, which is so annoying and wrong. I mean, its not like you'll leave your friends just because of your girlfriend or boyfriend... right? Its socially wrong. Your friends would them start drifting away, and they'd hate you. I mean, I haven't had a girlfriend for over a year now. Im 17.
But wow, the feeling when you know you have someone who likes, or even loves you for who you are is awesome. It makes you feel special. Knowing that when you're hurt, or in pain, you can call that one person and know that she'll/he'll understand you makes you feel fine all the time.
I could go on for ages, but then I dont have the time. Rofl.

Breaking Benjamin

This band, for many of you may be very aggressive, scream-o-type, but for me, its neither. Its a band that displays anger, emotion and deep meaning through their songs. Read between their lyrics… You’ll most probably find something that you can relate with, I’ll bet you a 100 bucks on that, because anger, hate, aggression, rage, etc is something experienced by every person on this planet, no matter how calm. EVERY ONE OF YOU must have felt like breaking something, or someone someday, and after listening to ANY Breaking Benjamin song, you’d probably feel better.
IF you dont listen to their music, please do, especially if you like rock.

Whenever I’m depressed, upset, angry, or sad, listening to their songs ALWAYS cheers me up, it makes me feel better. Rather than going to that best friend first for advice, I go to my MP3 player, and plug in a Breaking Benjamin song, like Dear Agony, Give Me A Sign, What Lies Beneath, etc, which calms me down.
BREAKING BENJAMIN IS FUCKING AWESOME.